


Offendimus in Ante

by PussyButter



Series: Offendimus in Ante [1]
Category: Dead Space
Genre: M/M, coffee shop AU, pornstar AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-13
Updated: 2015-10-07
Packaged: 2018-02-20 23:55:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2447753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PussyButter/pseuds/PussyButter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Forever after, Ellie is unable to tell the story of what happened that day without tearing up from laughter. Isaac is unable to stop himself from flushing an alarming shade of scarlet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Surgamus

**Author's Note:**

> A Porn AU and a Coffeeshop AU all in one. I'm really reaching for the stars.
> 
> Okay, Isaac is 49 and Carver is 37 during the events of DS3. I'm flopping that age gap around for the purpose of this fic. 
> 
> Isaac is 25, Carver is still 37.
> 
> Hope you like! All your comments on my other work didn't want me leaving you guys hanging, so I decided I give a multi-chapter thing a shot.
> 
> It still blows my mind that Isaac is so damn old.

Isaac is a decidedly awful barista.

 

He can’t keep the difference between a frappuccino and a latte straight, can’t remember which syrup goes with what drink, and is, in all honesty, quite hopeless with the steamer.

 

He’s an engineering grad who can’t work a coffee machine. His future looks very ominous.

 

The only reason he hasn’t been fired yet is because A) the café is understaffed as it is and B) even if he can’t actually USE the machines, he can fix them up faster than an actual paid professional. Emphasis on “paid.”

 

He makes “mere ducats” (Ellie had made him watch Clueless), but since paid internships don’t fall from the sky and student loans are becoming less of a vague threat and more of a very solid and soul-draining presence in his life, he’ll take what he can get.

 

(His would prefer his brief foray into porn in undergrad forever be lost to the annals of history if he had his way, but Ellie saved the two videos he shot before quitting. He tries not to think about it in the hopes that the situation will just….magically resolve itself)

 

It’s a Friday afternoon, their post-lunch lull, and Isaac is lamenting his existence while Ellie whirls around him, effortlessly working the counter and the coffee machines and making him feel generally inadequate when The Guy walks in.

 

-+-+-+-

 

Forever after, Ellie is unable to tell the story of what happened that day without tearing up from laughter. Isaac is unable to stop himself from flushing an alarming shade of scarlet.

 

-+-+-+-

 

Isaac moves to the register and pastes on his best ‘how can I help you’ smile while he waits for The Guy to finish deciding what he wants. The café he works at is no Starbucks but they still have a decent selection. While he waits, he lets his eyes roam over the man in front of him. Tall, strong looking, with a scar running down his face. Isaac thinks it adds to his overall gruff demeanour, where other people would just think “scary.” He can see this man dipping him on the deck of a pirate ship, tan, muscled chest exposed in a white ruffled shirt and tight leather pants.

 

Isaac politely stops himself there.

 

The Guy has apparently finished deciding what he wants because he approaches the counter, fishing out his wallet.

 

“Large coffee, black, two shots,” he says, sliding a tenner over to Isaac.

 

Isaac sees Ellie frown out of his periphery; she enjoys showboating while making the fancy drinks the teens and soccer moms order. Mostly because it gets her tips, but also because she knows if Isaac tried to do anything more complicated than a pouring motion he’d die and she needs him to pay his half of the rent.

 

He smiles to the guy as he hands back his change, not even faltering when he sees the guy is squinting at him like he’s a biological anomaly. He can feel his face flushing under the scrutiny, and mumbles something about _your drink will be right up, sir_ and busies himself while trying very hard to not feel the hole The Guy is staring in his head. Did he shave funny this morning? Is there a patch missing from his beard? He’s never been good at shaving, but if he doesn’t he looks like a homeless man.

 

He’s surreptitiously checking his teeth with his phone camera when Ellie hands him the to-go cup; thrusts it, really, she hates simple orders that don’t let her show off, and he turns to give it to The Guy who is _still staring at him_.

 

Ever the professional, Isaac smiles his most winning smile (which Ellie has told him makes him look slightly unhinged at the best of times, mentally disturbed at the worst) and hands the drink over with a _here you go, have a nice day_.

 

He’s turning away to end the awkward situation when The Guy asks, voice low and gravelly:

 

“Were you in porn?”

 

Isaac assumes, through the rushing in his ears, that the thud behind him is Ellie hitting the floor in hysterical laughter.

 

-+-+-+-

 

Later that night, when Ellie has stopped him from smothering himself in the couch cushions, she tells him that his flying leap into the storeroom only knocked over three mugs, and only one of them broke.

 

Isaac lies there on the couch and wonders if maybe the brain really can will itself into death if it tries hard enough.

 

“It was one jerk-off scene,” he mumbles into the upholstery.

 

“ _And_ the guy-guy military gangbang scene,” Ellie reminds him. “Really reached for the stars on that one. And it’s no wonder he recognized you with the spectacle you were making of yourself, all those guys and you moaning like a cheap hooker-”

 

Isaac resumes his suffocation attempt with renewed vigour.


	2. Hae Amicitiae

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With friends like these...

Isaac wakes up the next day and still wants to die.

 

“You should be flattered,” Ellie tells him over breakfast. “You made an impression and there were, what, 6 other guys in that scene?”

 

Isaac scowls into his tea. “Who even asks ‘hey were you in porn?’ If you recognize someone from a porno, you avert your eyes and go about your business. You don’t call them on it, that’s illegal. Or it should be.”

 

Ellie snorts. “You’re just upset you don’t have the stomach definition you did back then.”

 

Isaac resists the urge to throw his mug at her. “He’s probably a sociopath. Isn’t there a statute on how long you can watch porn? He looked 40, he’s too old to still be watching porn.”

 

“Well, you’re too old to be a pornstar now, so we all have our crosses to bear.” Isaac scowls harder. “Maybe your video just stuck with him. Maybe he’s carried a torch for you all this time. Maybe he’s come to whisk you away like in Pretty Woman!”

 

Isaac perks up at this. He liked Pretty Woman.

 

“Or maybe he’s really into the dom scene and he’s finally found the perfect twink – although I guess you’re a cub now-”

 

Isaac really does throw his mug this time.

 

-+-+-+-

 

The weekend passes with The Guy thankfully keeping away from the café, and by Monday Isaac’s ready to wash his hands of the situation. Even Ellie’s stopped snickering about it to herself.

 

Monday becomes Tuesday becomes Wednesday and Isaac dares to hope that maybe, just once, the karmic joke of his life is finally going to cut him a break. The Guy hasn’t come back, he’s applied for a job as a mechanic that he feels confident about, and Ellie’s even been sliding him some of her tips.

 

On Friday Isaac waits for that other shoe to drop. For The Guy to walk in with his mother, point at him and say, “Your son had gay sex with 6 other men in fatigues.”

 

This doesn’t happen.

 

What does happen is Isaac and Ellie get off-shift at 8 and have the café swept and closed by 9:30. They’re home by 10 and eat Lucky Charms from the box as they watch a bad action movie, which turns into the two of them trying to roundhouse a pillow out of the other’s hands until they’re tired.

 

Isaac is smiling as his head hits his pillow.

 

-+-+-+-

 

Since the two of them get weekends off, every Saturday Isaac and Ellie become Serious Adults for an hour or two and come up with what they’ve now called The Objectives; apartment chores, errands that needed running, food that needed getting, and, (painfully) bills that needed paying.

 

“So we have the internet/cable bill paid, but we’ve still got gas and electric,” Ellie tells Isaac around the pen in her mouth. “Also rent in two weeks, but if we keep going the way we’re going I think we’ll be fine.” She flips through the bills, double-checking figures. “I think we may even have a little extra on the side this month,” she tells him.

 

Isaac’s eyebrows lift. They’ve never exactly been hurting for money; their jobs pay well enough since they basically run the café during the week, but Ellie budgets so fiercely that they rarely spend money on anything but essentials. Even grocery shopping she’s honed down to a science; only what they were completely out of was allowed in the cart. Isaac had tried to circumvent this by trying to sneak a bag of gummy bears to the cashier once; he’s never seen man nor beast snatch something up as fast as Ellie had snatched those gummy bears.

 

He briefly wonders whether he would be living in a box or in a gutter if he hadn’t met Ellie.

 

“So now that we’re in the Fortune 500, what do we do with our petty cash?” He asks, grinning. “A new car?”

 

Ellie laughs. “A new apartment! With all the hot water we can use.”

 

“I’m gonna buy a tux, with Italian shoes for every day of the week.”

 

Ellie laughs again, high and bright. “Then I’ll buy a Balenciaga dress for when I go to all those philanthropy galas with you as my scruffy arm-candy.”

 

They spend the rest of the morning like that, until they’ve decided to buy Hollywood and make millions off of movies starring just the two of them.

 

“The Wrench-heads, we’ll call ourselves. We can fight crime or rob banks, I haven’t decided,” Ellie pants out. They’ve been running and yelling and laughing for the better part of two hours. They’re lying on their backs now, shoulder to shoulder, and it’s good. Isaac’s happy.

 

-+-+-+-

 

Isaac learns that, apparently, he is allowed one week of reprieve before his happiness has to come crashing down around his ears.

 

Because heaven forfend anything ever goes right in his life.

 

-+-+-+-

 

They decide to spend their extra money on new clothes.

 

“You need something other than plaid, flannel, plaid flannel and bootcut jeans,” Ellie says to him as they walk into the mall. “You look like a lumberjack. Buy some skinny jeans for chrissakes. You work in a coffeeshop, embrace the hipster-ity of it all.”

 

“I’m not squeezing my nuts into vacuum sealed pants to look good. And what’s wrong with my shirts?”

 

“You look like the Brawny man’s awkward cousin,” Ellie states, as she examines a display. “Branch out, for the love of God. You’re not _actually_ ugly, you know, you should try and dress like it.”

 

Isaac gives her a flat look. “And one day you’ll _actually_ be able to say something nice to me.”

 

“I live to keep you grounded.”

 

Ellie frowns and moves away from the display window. “Well what’re you gonna buy then? Because if it’s more of the same I’m donating it all to Goodwill.”

 

Isaac thinks. He’s never really needed to dress himself beyond what he needed to wear to class, or work.

 

Ellie stops them at a sunglass display. “What about date-wear, since you are obviously content to go to the grave looking Canadian. Something to wear out to the club and get freaky.” She puts on a pair of Aviators and starts making extremely suggestive movements with her hips that Isaac wishes he could unsee.

 

“I’m not much of a club person. Or a date person,” he says as she takes off the Aviators she’s wearing and puts them on him. “I can’t…. I’m not good with people like that. And after porn, sex just…. doesn’t appeal anymore. At least casually. So I don’t want to waste money on stuff I won’t use.”

 

Ellie hums in the way that Isaac knows to mean _I feel you_ and not _I am carefully avoiding the perpetuation of what is shaping up to be a Personal Moment_. She reaches up and pulls off the sunglasses.

 

“Let’s find some stuff that doesn’t make you look like a Hulk Hogan ripoff.”

 

Isaac chuckles, glad for the levity, turns around and walks into The Guy.

 

Thankfully he doesn’t out Isaac as a retired pornstar in the middle of the mall but that’s only because Isaac sprints for the exit, face practically on fire, before anyone can say anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing this as I go, can you tell?


	3. Simul in Unum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A disgustingly domestic scene.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [THROWS SELF ONTO DAGGER]
> 
> OHhhhh my dear sweet lord I'm so sorry.... 
> 
> This chapter was going to be about a thousand words longer but I have kept you all waiting way too goddamn long so here take it so the guilt can stop plaguing me.
> 
> Thank you so much for the kudos and such even though I took so damn long!!!!!

“Just come out and say it,” Isaac whines into the couch cushions that night. “Just call me pathetic so I can die in the depths of my pathetic-ness.”

 

Ellie, in the kitchen, rolls her eyes.

 

“Don’t roll your eyes,” Isaac yells from the living room.

 

“You’re not even looking.”

 

“I can feel it, just like I can feel my body and soul slowly deteriorating from how _truly and irreparably pathetic_ I am.”

 

“Jesus Christ, Clarke,” and now he knows she’s getting tired of it, she only ever calls him Clarke when she’s about to throw things, “could you please tank up? Could we maybe have that happen, huh? Because, and hopefully you’ve noticed this, but I’m not your mom. Don’t expect me to treat you like I am.”

 

Isaac makes strangled, guttural noises into the cushions.

 

He hears her sigh, and forces his face even further into the couch. Ellie had caught up to him in the parking lot to find him having a more than mild panic attack next to their car. He knows she knows _he_ knows that he can’t deny it was a mite embarrassing.

 

Isaac hears her footsteps and prays that she’s going to her room to not have to deal with him anymore, but he hears her pad into the living room, probably to have A Talk with him. _God is so cruel to me_ , Isaac thinks. He lets that stew for a moment.

 _I am_ pathetic, he thinks. _Emphatically so_.

 

His stewing is interrupted by Ellie moving his legs so that she can sit on the couch. He feels a spark of bitter amusement when she grumbles about having to deal with his “smelly man feet.”

 

“Isaac,” she asks. “Isaac,” she says again when he keeps quiet, shaking his leg. “C’mon. Level with me. I’m not your mom, but I am an extremely concerned friend. Why is this bothering you so much? He was one guy who happened to know about something you did five-thousand years ago. Why is this bugging you so much.” He can hear in her voice that she’s interrogating more than she’s asking.

 

Isaac makes more guttural noises to show how much he really doesn’t want to talk about it.

 

“Isaac Clarke, I will suplex you here and now if you don’t answer me. I’ve been watching old Wrestlemania videos, I’ll do it. You and the entire couch. I’ll start a ladder match in this apartment.”

 

Isaac sits up, grudgingly, partly because he’s not entirely sure she’s incapable of such a feat, and also because he was getting tired of breathing couch-cushion air. He turns to look at Ellie, who grabs his face in her hands and levels him with her patented _Isaac Clarke We Are Going to Talk About Things_ look.

 

“Present?”

 

“Present.” Isaac mumbles. “You’re squashing my face.”

 

“Well if I leave you to brood into the couch I’m concerned both you and it will combine and mutate into some freakish hybrid,” she says, letting go. “Seriously, Isaac, what’s the deal. I get that it’s embarrassing but this is a tad ridiculous. And by tad I mean more than mildly. And by that I mean _really fucking ridiculous_.”

 

He scowls and massages his cheeks. “You know I have social anxiety. It’s a valid response.”

 

She settles back into the couch, eyebrows raised. “Alright, so it’s a valid response to go haring out of a mall because a stranger knows a slightly embarrassing fact about your life?”

 

“He knew I did _porn_. ”

 

“So does everyone in that company, _and_ everyone that saw that video, _and_ a few of our friends from back then.”

 

“Who of our friends knew I did porn?!”

 

“Robert did. Stross. Jenny Santos, I think.”

 

“ _Robert fucking Norton knew I did porn_?!?”

 

“Yes he did, because I told him, and you are derailing this conversation!” Ellie slams her hand imperiously on the couch arm. “Isaac Clarke, did you or did you not have what can only be described as an episode in the middle of the mall.”

 

Isaac grumbles.

 

“So the court can hear, Mr. Clarke.”

 

“Yes! Jesus, I get it, I got too in my own head about it.” Isaac scrubs his hands over his face. “It’s just… I can’t even explain it. I hate that it’s just one more thing in my life that’s out of my control.” He grinds the heels of his hands into his eyes. “It’s stupid.” He goes silent, letting himself be put in a trance by the glittering patterns behind his eyelids.

 

“Isaac.”

 

“No.”

 

“ _Isaac_.”

 

“I changed my mind, we’re not talking about this anymore.” He pulls his head out of his hands and stares determinedly into the middle distance.

 

“Ohhhh my god, you absolute child, Isaac Clarke!” Ellie balls her hand into a fist. “If we were any less of friends? I would be punching the shit out of your shoulder.”

 

Isaac edges towards the other end of the couch. Ellie was a boxer. “Look, just…leave it alone.”

 

Ellie squints at him. “You promise you’ll tell me when you’re ready.”

 

Isaac nods. “Yeah, sure.”

 

“Good, because that was a demand, not a request. You take up the whole damn couch when you sulk, and as your roommate I’m entitled to at least half of it.” She points at him mock-threateningly, “And I’m not above taking it by force. Remember that.”

 

Isaac lets out the breath he didn’t realize he was holding and leans back. Ellie nudges him on the shoulder with her foot. “Never a dull moment with your gay ass around,” she jokes lightly.

 

Isaac gives a small smile. “Well, you’re never too old for a heart to heart on the couch.”

 

Ellie laughs as she gets up and walks back into the kitchen. “Just like grad school. Except this time you’re not drunk.” She busies herself at the stove. “I only ever have these emotional moments, with you, you know.” She tosses grin over her shoulder. “You should really cut that shit out. You’ll give a girl the wrong idea.”

 

Isaac sits there and closes his eyes, letting the sound of Ellie cooking and the smell of their apartment comfort him.

 

“You’ll always be number one in my heart, Ells.”


	4. Saltare in Circulo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'M GOING TO SCREAM okay let me tell you all a story
> 
> so I got a super nice comment right, and I was like THANK YOU I WILL NOT LET THIS GO UNFINISHED and I said that literally like 55 days ago according to the counter that AO3 has on comments and i am Sorry™
> 
> BUT ANYWAY here we are children the penultimate chapter because really I just want to write people being doofuses because I am myself Doofus Prime
> 
> BUT HUNTYWAYS here it is I hope you all enjoy this one, it has... a lot of dialogue which I don't know is a good or a bad thing

Isaac wakes up the next day and lies there, gathering himself. He indulges in an old therapy practice. He closes his eyes and lets himself feel the sheets on his bed, hear the noise drifting in through the window, and centers himself.

Isaac opens his eyes and thinks, _You got this, Clarke_.

 

Isaac doesn’t work through the morning as much as he makes a very long sequence of twitches that could be mistaken for someone working in a café. Ellie has forbidden him from pouring any drinks or serving any food as his hand-eye coordination is so unstable he’s liable to fling pastries or piping hot coffee into a customer’s face.

 

“We have few enough as it is,” she’d told him sternly, before banishing him to the storeroom.

 

So that’s where Isaac is when The Guy comes in.

 

“Three dollars, even,” he hears Ellie say.

 

Silence that Isaac assumes to be assent.

 

“Your coffee’ll be right up; have a seat anywhere you like.”

 

Isaac silently frets while Ellie prepares The Guy’s order; there’s no way in hell Isaac’s going out there but he’s not stupid to think The Guy came back just because he likes the coffee. He’s here for Isaac, and whether it be to loudly proclaim to everyone in the room that they’ve been served by an adult entertainer or to apologize for being really fucking blunt, Isaac is _not going out there_. But if he doesn’t, then The Guy may ask for him by name and if _that_ happens Isaac might as well hang himself by his shoelaces because he can’t let this man know that in addition to running away from him he’s actually, _physically_ hiding from him.

 

The silent fretting becomes loudly whispered fretting once Ellie gives The Guy his coffee and practically runs into the storeroom.

 

Isaac grabs her and pulls her into the corner furthest from the door. “What do I do?!?” he hisses furiously.

 

“You mean besides be a grown up?”

 

“Shut up. Why is he even here?”

 

“Obviously he’s here to do a really creative rhythmic gymnastics routine with the coffee pot; he’s here for _you_ , you idiot, why the hell else would he be here?” Ellie smirks. “Apparently your videos stuck with him.”

 

“Shut up twice.”

 

“You know I know _you_ know _I_ know you’re into the mature-and-serious types. Don’t bullshit.”

 

“I’m going to hit you so hard.”

 

“I’ll break your fucking hand, and also admit that I’m right and you’re totally into it.”

 

He’s actually very into it, and is guilty of taking some rather… _long_ showers, but Isaac will take that to his grave. Ellie’s right too often.

 

“ _Focus_. Why the hell would he come back for me? I ran away from him on two separate occasions, can’t he take a fucking clue?”

 

“Well, he probably didn’t come back _for_ you. That makes it sound like he’s going to take you over the counter.”

 

“Fine, he came back to _talk_ to me, but _why_ and also _what the fuck do I do_?”

 

“I don’t know about the why, but what we’re not going to do is we’re _not_ going to stay in here whispering about him like little schoolgirls in the back of a classroom.”

 

“I’m not going out there!”

 

“ _Isaac_.”

 

“ _Ellie_.”

 

“Oh my god, are you 25 or 5?”

 

“I’m not going out there, Ellie, I mean it.”

 

“Isaac, may I remind you that you _work here_? And that requires you to not be hiding in the back of the store, _not_ serving customers?”

 

“Yes, in my panicked state I became completely oblivious to the fact that I have a _job_. Which I will get back to as soon as he leaves or you make him go away; whichever comes first.”

 

“This is stupid. You’re stupid.”

 

“If it means I get to stay back here until he leaves, then yes, I’m the stupidest motherfucker in the galaxy. You can put it on my tombstone”

 

Ellie levels him with A Look™. “Okay, you know what? We’re not doing this.” She waves her hand vaguely at him. “All of this is not okay.”

 

“What are y- _Ellie Langford do not go out there_.”

 

Ellie leaves Isaac flailing inelegantly at her rapidly escaping apron strings as she strides out from the storeroom. Peering around the door, Isaac can only watch in horror as she starts chatting up The Guy. He ducks back into the storeroom when she points to him and then swans away to help another customer. Isaac now knows what true betrayal feels like.

 

He’s considering the best way to stage a faux-murder scene using coffee beans and biscotti, when the door opens and The Guy is there.

 

They have a very long and very silent moment of staring at each other. Unfortunately The Guy breaks the silence before Isaac can go through with his attempt to kill himself with confections.

 

“So…hey,” he says, scuffing his boots on the floor. “Isaac, right?”

 

“Grgkk.” Isaac verbalizes.

 

The Guy’s eyebrows knit together. “Pardon?”

 

Isaac’s mouth goes dry. _Maybe if I just stand really still_ , Isaac thinks, _he’ll think I’m mentally unbalanced and leave forever_.

 

He can feel the universe laughing at him when The Guy moves close enough to give his shoulder a light shake.

 

“Hey, you alright?” he asks. His face is closer than it’s ever been to Isaac’s, close enough that Isaac can trace every line and contour on it, and the scar near The Guy’s mouth has Isaac’s stomachs doing an uncomfortable wriggling thing.

 

Isaac makes another faint gurgling noise and can feel himself turning red. He’s not sure how he’s made it to 27 years of age under his own power.

 

“I’m uh… I’m Carver. John Carver. Your girlfriend told me you were back here, so I just…” The Guy – John, he has a name now, _John –_ scratches the back of his neck, hems and haws, obviously at a loss until-

 

“She’s not my girlfriend.”

 

Carver blinks at him.

 

_Where are you taking this, Clarke_. “ I mean she’s a great friend. Ellie, I mean. Just… not my girlfriend. She says I’ve been exposed to too much dick.” Isaac feels his face flame up, but he’s in too deep now. “Which you know. Since apparently you’ve seen me, in the videos, y’know…. Doing stuff. With guys.”

 

Carver just blinks more.

 

“Anyway,” Isaac manages to say, feigning nonchalance despite wanting to burst into flames, “what, uh, brings you, uhm, back here. I mean. I don’t know what I mean. Why did Ellie send you back here? I guess is what I’m asking?” Isaac tries very hard not to actually wring his hands.

 

Carver starts fidgeting and looks just past Isaac’s left ear. “Your not-girlfriend,” Carver sighs, “told me that one does not just throw the fact that someone did porn, and I quote, ‘like one throws a dirty bra into the hamper.’” Isaac chokes a little. “She also told me,” Carver continues, “that my, uhm, _lack of tact_ may have caused you some personal distress. And her, by extension. Something about a couch, it was kind of weird.”

 

Isaac laughs at this and strangely… feels less tense. Carver’s rumbling voice has kind of put him at ease.

 

Carver scrubs at the back of his neck again. “So I’m here to apologize. And also ask you on a date, your not-girlfriend told me I should, but I wanted to anyway.” He flushes. “Not because of the porn thing, but not-not because of the porn thing, but because you’re y’know – I’m gonna stop now.” He stops looking past Isaac’s head and into his eyes. “Isaac, would you like to go out with me sometime? So I can maybe learn your last name?”

 

Isaac dazedly agrees, because he can’t even do a romcom moment right, with tears and passion or whatever.

 

Carver doesn’t mind, and Ellie dances around the café with him for 5 minutes after Carver leaves, saying he’ll pick Isaac up that Friday at 8, singing _Started From the Bottom_ at the top of her lungs.

 

-+-+-+-

 

Carver picks him up that Friday, and Isaac finds that it’s kind of nice to have a freshly laundered man show up and smile at him and tell him he looks good.

 

“He looks like he an off-duty Mounty,” Ellie yells from the living room. Isaac quickly ushers Carver out the door before Ellie can cast more aspersions on his attire that may make Carver leave. His self-esteem is shaky enough as it is.

 

It’s a little less shaky when Carver gently catches Isaac’s shoulder and turns him into a warm kiss, pressing him lightly against the wall, pressing up _against_ him with his hips and his chest, hands going to Isaac’s waist.

 

Isaac Clarke, 25 years old, with the best worst roommate in the world and a closet full of flannel, thinks that this is alright, great, perfect, mondosuperawesomefabulous.

 

-+-+-+-

 

Three weeks later, when the three of them are having a movie night, Ellie switches Die Hard out for Isaac’s solo jerk off scene while the man himself is in the bathroom.

 

He emerges to find Ellie snickering at Carver who looks like he got beaned by a fastball.

 

“I thought this had been lost forever,” Carver whispers. “Christ, he grew up good. I mean he was gorgeous then, but like.... Jesus. How old was he in this?"

 

"19."

 

 

" _Jesus._ "

 

Ellie leans in conspiratorially, like she's some shady rug merchant. “I have that military one, too. I told him to pace himself but he was all like, ‘I need the money Ellie,’ and something about being sick of Eggo waffles. It was all very mysterious.”

 

Carver unsubtly adjusts himself and looks at Ellie out of the corner of his eye. “I’m not asking you to burn me a copy.”

 

And then, face completely straight, he fucking _winks_.

 

Ellie is fucking shrieking with laughter the entire time Isaac has Carver in the armlock he learned from her and he very much hates them both. Very much forever.

 

He then buys a fake military uniform from eBay the next day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE STRAIGHT UP PORN BECAUSE THIS FIC IS RATED E AND A WORD ONCE GIVEN something something I've been playing The Witcher lately and people say that shit like every 3 seconds. But PORN WILL HAPPEN. Also leave comments because I like knowing that I'm not awful at this.


	5. Rudis Calor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *bangs pots and pans together* THIS IS LESS THAN WHAT YOU WANTED BUT THERE IS A REASON PLEASE READ THE NOTES

Isaac and Ellie are on the couch growing increasingly concerned about enemas while Kill Bill plays on the TV.

Ellie squints at the box while The Bride is decimating O-Ren Ishii’s Crazy 88’s. “So it says you need to lay on your side with the turkey baster thing up your ass until you feel like you need to make a ‘bowel movement.” She hands it to Isaac. “Anal is too much work.”

Isaac takes the box from her and frowns at the directions. “I don’t remember these health warnings being this serious back when I used them.” He squints at the bit about colon irritation. “Douching seems like the safer way to do this. And cheaper. And you’re not even supposed to really use these regularly anyway.”

Ellie points at him from where she’s nestled into the other end of the couch. “Sex is not about economy! It’s primal! It’s dirty! Maybe not dirty in the way that can anal can be but it’s supposed to be unpolished and sexy!”

Isaac wrinkles his brow at her. “What does that have to do with enemas?” Ellie shrugs and lets her arm flop back down.

“I have no idea. Can I Snapchat this though?”

“If you want me to have this ‘bowel movement’ on you then sure.”

Ellie makes a noise of disinterest, turning back to the screen in time to watch O-Ren get scalped. “Scat play. We’re taking to this the next level, I love it.” She fist pumps and Isaac rolls his eyes. “But an even bigger question is like… when are you supposed to do this? Right before? Do you just pause the action? What if you’ve just had dinner? What if you go back to his place?”

Isaac thinks about this. Looks down at the box. Looks up at the TV.

“Enemas are really complicated.”

Ellie nods assent.

Isaac sets the box on the table in an effort to banish the nervousness causing his stomach to roil. "It's been a long time since I've done this. What if I'm bad?" He looks at Ellie, horror dawning on his expression. "What if he's bad?"

Ellie sniffs. "It'd serve you right. Wouldn't be fair for you to go from porn sex to fantastic real-life sex. We all suffer for our orgasms out here in these streets." She nods her head as if to say, _so there_.

Isaac worries his lip. "I'm gonna look some stuff up." _But what does one look up_ , he wonders. _Positions_? _Dirty talk_?

"You're definitely overthinking this, and I get that you're nervous, but it's gonna make you awkward," Ellie says as she watches Sophie Fatale get questioned by Bill. "He likes you, and you like him, and while your relationship may be like, founded, dare I say _dependent_ upon uncomfortable situations, this is probably one you can and should avoid." She turns to look at him. "You're not gonna be the only one there. Figure out what you two like; that's how it's supposed to work."

Isaac blinks at this sudden sage advice.

"Did we just have another moment," he asks.

Ellie rolls her eyes back to the TV in time to watch the credits roll. "Only for you Clarke."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay Look™ when I wrote this I had zero how to write like porn at ALL and then i when i learned how i could only write like SUPER KINKY PORN that would make a nun burst into flames so have a light jokey conclusion TO THIS WORK but there will be a PWP add-on to this sometime before you all die
> 
> IN THE MEANTIME go read the new work that i'm posting that is the Super Kinky Sex™ thing because i need that thing to be archived on here and out of my hands
> 
> also everything about the enema is based on my own experience with one DON'T USE THEM REGULARLY THEY ARE BAD FOR YOU


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